Originally, I was scheduled to post about university and how much I have enjoyed it, I have - but right now I hate the system (not my course, just the way the whole university system works in general). Mainly because I'm currently crying* feeling like I'm going to let the whole world down, worrying that my life will be over if I do badly. I massively dislike the fact that university tells you how successful and good you are based on a template of grading systems, what do numbers even mean?!
I haven't received any grades yet (surprisingly), I'm fully aware this sounds like a bitter grade-receiver post but it's just a post because I'm worrying. I think we might get grades back tomorrow and I am so nervous to the point where I don't want to go to university tomorrow or Monday, I don't want to open the email ever.
It really bothers me that every individual is treated with the same template and guidelines to stick to, as if we are all Lego characters with square hair cuts singing 'Everything is awesome' *now it's in your head*.
The truth is, everybody works differently. Everybody is a totally different human being made up with different feelings, ways of doing things and ways of dealing with things, especially when it comes to creative work. I'd quite happily rip up that really expensive piece of paper, that's probably not even printed on good gsm if it meant this awful system would change.
I know in fact deep down, that I'm not a failure. I've tried hard, I'm a stronger person, I've learned to make good sauces from scratch (maybe not as relevant), but I know that society will see me as a failure, even without meaning to do so. If anything, I kind of want to be a failure, I just don't want to have to deal with disappointing people or people thinking that I only want to fail because I've done bad.
I'd be much happier for creative university courses to have no grades at all, and not even be a degree qualification. I'd still pay ridiculous money just to have three years of freedom. WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT DEGREES ANYMORE? Why can't a degree just be three years of experiences and doing whatever the hell you like, why can't degrees be more like sabbaticals where you find your inner yoda like I have apparently and take risks? I think we'd see a lot more bravery.
It has taken me three years of my degree to be brave enough to take risks, and now I'm loving university, I'm making work that has meaning and can either go totally wrong or totally right, and I love that risk, even though I'm juggling with a lot of invisible money that has paid for my degree.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't say: "You'll do great, you'll get great grades!". Because this hasn't really helped at all, I know these people mean well, but it gives me this horrible tight knot in my stomach and makes me feel even more pressured to do well because they think I should, or it makes the stigma of failing worse again. It's like when someone dies and they say "I'm sorry for your loss." NO, DON'T BE SORRY FOR MY LOSS, JUST BE NORMAL WITH ME AND BUY ME CAKE.
We need to give more gold stars for failing, school house points for having a terrible maths test result and throw parties for people who fail driving tests because they probably have a lower risk of dying than others.
So here's to failing, to learning from mistakes, to crying over silly things and feeling stupid about doing so afterward (see below) and to being so stressed that my body learns how to deal with stress. I want to join the band-wagon of successful creatives who have failed pretty badly (James Victore you are my hero). I'm trying to be good at accepting failure, and I'm getting there, but for now I'm just a little bit worried.
*I am no longer crying and this terribly written ranty blog post has done its job, now I will just regret creating this awful creation of word vomit.